Why does it have to be like this....

From the day i was born...until now...i've been asking
myself..."do i know my family well"?
it's already been 20 years...and this issue has been co-running in my mind lately..
it's not that i dun really care and think of my family all the time...
is that the time we spend together..for me..i think it's less...

13 years of my life..i had been studying..laze around...hangs around...fool around...and fail my subjects around..
so..after came back from National Service..i've began to think and wonder..and tell myself..Lionel...you must come back to life and live a life to its fullest...

i've been tru it..i tried..i work hard...get good results in my diploma..and now going to pursue my degree soon...
well..i guess u all don't quite understand with what im trying to say right..of cosz ler..i not yet get in my main point mahz...or the topic....don't call me dad...

my dad has been in the field of logistic from the day i was born..everything went from up to down..and few years back things went smoothly..we had a great life and my family gets basically what we wanted..except for me..wanted a car..but i din ask..so i din get =p..stupid me..
but..everything went wrong since the day i began to realise myself this..that "i should really helped my dad in his work"....

i have many choices in life i should say...from girls ...to...education...to things i wanna buy..to food i wanna eat.everything needs to be made and make..out of the word " CHOICE"

but..why everytime im not making the right choice or decision..when it comes to helping my dad...
2 years already passed...the days that i eventually helped my dad is just around 5 times... suck rite...being a child of his..

what makes me write this thing is that...he just got home...normal time on friday night..where he usually goes to pub to so called release his stress and problems by drinking...i called him - PA - , as usual..but this time..his reaction is different from other days which he replied - hey or hie - back...this time...he said this "......don't call me me dad.....it's not worth it"

when i heard him say this..i was stunned..he never said such things to me..but i know deep down in his heart..he thought of me that way..which is..what kind of child did i raise up now...useless and not helping me at all in my work..

haihz...dad...i know im lazy..and been hanging around..doing nothing.....not doing the things i've been wanting to be,..like...look for a scholarship from overseas uni or local ones...looks for part time job....get ready for uni......do housework...but..eventually today....i just freaking waste time hanging around at home..watching Malaysia lose out to Denmark today..freaking 6 hours of time wasted by watching them...

......i know things can't be changed that easy...i know what im majoring now is totally different by what you are doing...is not like i don't like your job...is that..i need time dad...im still a student...and i know i should help u...
tru here.i wanna say...im sorry....for dissapointing you...i could not really say it out face to face..as it's part of our family culture..we are born to be like tat...and it won't change or happen in a day or two...it takes years to change a family lifestyle...

what should i do...i think i should regain from myself..and do what really best for my family..
but what gonna happen to my diploma..or degree...this is the time where i could really make myself proud of my exam results...
man....last 2 years was my finest years of all...scored great results
in my exams..first time in my 18 years of life...and im being humble
to myself..and not showing off..
which my friends still thinks im doing so..bugger!!! . . .
thanks to different culture of education people....

well..i slack in putting effort in things...but..i do really have to intentions and would like to achieve something from nothing...

sorry dad..i know you asked me to work last nite..and i pretend like you did not ask me...
give me another chance dad...ask me again..and i will say "YES" this time...
oh Lord..give me another chance...im sorry for what i've done..but..i know..that u have plans ahead.....im still shock...stunned..can't believe what he said to me..i guess this is just me...the lionel that you guys want to know..and discover..the lame..lonely..lazy lionel...

-endz-