The mask behind my face

today...what i had experienced..will never be know of by my unimates nor anyone..
except for a few. it's not that i am the one to be blame for my emoing and bad mood attitude..
it's that......i can't take it anymore..i had loss the feel of going and giving all out to be the one i should be..
the one that would lead..and others to follow..
i can't be the one that i ought to be..
but to sway back..being a contestant of a game show obeying strict rules that say..
"do follow us, or we will FAIL u"

my mind is playing mind games with me..
whether i should quit studying..or just working for my dad..
well..if i were to quit..it's stupid..really dumb and not worthy at all.

day after day..i meet and bump into old friends..
hi bye friends..
sms friends..
friendster's friends..
primary mates friends..
secondary school friends..
church friends..
whoever friends lah..
but..all of them..could not stay long and close..to me..

yoke mei said to me..that i always have friends around and do know everyone in Utar..
well..she gotta be joking.
if i do know everyone in utar..why does i have the sense of lost when im standing in the middle of my campus foyer..
no friends to support me..
can't laugh and smile with true loyal friends that will carry and support u up when u fall into the deep blue ocean full of dangerous animals.

yea..in fact i have tonnes of friends..
have over 800+ friends in my friendster list..
everytime when i look at the website..
i tends to worried..whether what if friendster.com gulung tikar..bankrap one day and all my contacts are gone..
will my existence still remains in all of my friends heart..
the one that came to know me before...

friends..i think im lost..
in watever things that i do..i always succumb to the negative thoughts that always flying around me.

so i hope that..in whatever things that i do..
do critic me..i wanna change.
seriously..
i really wanna change..
to someone that is useful and matured..

i can't live my 21 years old life like this...as it's killing me..
it's killing me...